How do you make one million dollars in a month?
Start with five million and become a day trader.
The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.
A minister dies and
is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s
dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint
Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know
whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The
guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk
City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the stockbroker, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The stockbroker goes into
Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He
stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint
Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter
consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton
robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just
a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a stockbroker–
he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a
cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?”
“Up
here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you
preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed.”
The Walton’s invited
their new neighbours over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was
asked what he did for a living.
Eight years old Brian Walton
jumped in and said, “Daddy is a fisherman!” To which
Mrs.Walton replied, “Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a
stockbroker, not a fisherman.”
“No mom. Everytime we
visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands
together and says ‘I just caught another fish’.”
Two women were
walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said:
“Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil
witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will
kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”
One woman
took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her
handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear
him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”
The
second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is
worth more than a stockbroker!”
A stock
analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker
suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical,
saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on
horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for
the success, but he could not convince the analyst.
“You
are too theoretical,” he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that
horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he
exclaimed: “I told you, I knew the secret!”
“What
is your secret?” the analyst asked.
“It is rather
easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages
and I bet on number nine.”
“But, three and five is
eight,” the analyst protested.
“I told you, you are
too theoretical!” the broker replied, “Haven’t I just shown
experimentally that my calculation is correct?!”
A study of markets often reveals that the perfect time to buy an asset was yesterday.
A long-term investment is a short-term investment that failed.
A Technical Analyst and a Fundamental Analyst are chatting about the markets in the kitchen. Accidentally one of them knocks a kitchen knife off the table landing right in the fundamental analyst’s foot! The fundamental analyst yells at the technician, asking him why he didn’t catch the knife? “You know Technicians don’t catch falling knives!” , the technician responded. He in turn asks the fundamental analyst why he didn’t move his foot out of the way? The Fundamental analyst responds, “ I didn’t think it could go that low”.
“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben