Let me tell ya my morning glory (story). You haven’t heard that yet, have ya?
So listen to mae,
One evening I was sitting with me broth in the Rub-a-dub-dub (pub) at the Ringo Star (bar) sipping a pint.
Then, my broth told me “have a butchers” (have a look) at the Roger Moore (door).
Into the nuclear (nuclear sub – pub) got in a Bacardi (Bacardi Freezer – geezer) with the most tip-top twist and twirl (girl) I have ever seen in me life.
She had a lovely Boat Race (face) and she was so gorgeous and Tutti Frutti (beauty) that I couldn’t take my Mince Pies (eyes) off her.
They sat at the Cain and Able (table) near me and then I saw it; I was staring and I couldn’t Adam and Eve (believe) it.
Her East and West (breast) with two big Brad Pitts (tits) like balloons made me General Election (erection) without any foreplay.
And then she sent me a Carpet Pile (smile) if you know whoramean.
I carpeted (smiled) her back and when the geezer she came with, left to French Kissing (pissing) zone I kept a quick word with her, you know whoramean, names, soft butchers’ in the Mince (Pies – eyes), all that funny jackanories (stories) called Rubber Glove (love)….
You know how it works with the Ocean Pearls (girls) me China, ‘ont ya?
And before that Elefant & Castle (asshole), who she came with, came back from the Arthur (Bliss – piss) I settled her for a Lamborghini (Martini) or two next evening in a nice Near and Far (bar) in Soho and quickly came back at the Ringo (Star – bar) to keep as much disguised as possible ‘cause I didn’t want to do Bird (Lime – doing time – being in jail) back ‘cause I have to tell ya that time I just left Wandsworth (one of London’s prisons) after two donkeys (donkeys ears – years) for a Grasshopper (copper – a policeman) I booted (kicked) in the Bottle and Glass (ass) and gave him a few Olivier Twists (fists) when I was slightly pissed (drunk).
You know, when you are scored (score = 20) of age you do what you have to do and don’t ask anyone.
So next evening we met and after a few Lamborghinis, we went through a ton of supersonics (gin and tonic) and finally, we went to her Mickey (Mickey Mouse – house) picking up a bottle of Gay and Frisky (whisky) at the local Battle Cruiser (Boozer – local store).
Finally, we landed in her Uncle Ted (bed). As you imagine I was Capitan Kirking (working) all night long so next morning I was so Barb Wired (tired) that I even couldn’t get up to Kathy Burke (work).
I thought then it was my best Irish Luck (fuck) I ever had. Now times have changed.
And you know what? Next week we got Cash and Carried (married) and till today she is me Dutchess of Fife (wife).
Rubber Glove (love) doesn’t give you much choice in’it?
But it’s not the end of that morning glory (story).
The Bacardi she came with I saw her first time pretended that she’s his Mother of Pearl (girl) and told me to piss off her. When I heard that I went so Radio Rental (mental) that on the spot I made him an unscheduled meeting (beat him up). He lost three Hampstead Heath (teeth).
I told ya before, his brother was a grasshopper and that Hampstead Heathless Casa Blanca (wanker) was an Old Baileys informer so a few weeks later I was nicked (arrested) and sent back Barclays Banking (wanking) to Wandsworth for another six months. Just at the end of my bloody honeymoon.
But you know what? Cause I was cash and carried (married) I had someone to bring me fags (cigarettes) and a few tons (ton = 100) for shopping when I was doing bird (bird lime – time – being in prison).
That’s the jackanory. Lovely, in’it.